


Give Me Love

by closesttoreality



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Adulthood, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College, Depression, Drinking, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Loneliness, Lonely Huening Kai, M/M, Slow Burn, Smoking, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, and poof, it's so lovely being loved, lonely choi soobin, maybe requited eventually, no longer lonely, probably, probably that's it, until they come together, you should be loving someone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closesttoreality/pseuds/closesttoreality
Summary: Even when it hurts.[I loved you then and I love you now.]
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 19
Kudos: 33





	1. the start of /nothing/

"Have you ever been in love?" Soobin knows the answer, he doesn't know why he asks. He doesn't know why he lets the younger pull harder at the edges of his heart. It's a mangled mess there but still, Soobin would rather it be torn apart than never touched at all.

"No hyung, you?" 

"Which is worse," Soobin ignores Kai, "being loved but never able to give it back, or never being loved but always loving someone?"

"This is depressing." The teen tilts his head up from on Soobin's chest to meet the elder's eyes. They're wide as always, sincere. Soobin loves how honest he is. Even when it hurts. "Why does one have to be worse? Why can't your question be _how great do you reckon is it to love someone?"_

He doesn't want to answer. It isn't great.

" _Anyway_ , in answer to your question." Kai says pointedly, he slumps his head back on the elder's chest. His hand curling right over where Soobin's heart should be. "It's _obviously_ better to be loved than to do the loving."

"Even if it rips someone's heart out?" There's a gaping hole in his chest. Kai's touch steals the life from him.

Kai answers after a long pause, "Even if it rips someone's heart out."


	2. 1

**May 5th 2011- age ten.**

When Soobin was two years old, he learnt the four letter word, _love_. 

According to his brothers and the copious amount of times his parents tell the story- he never unlearnt the word. For he, would never stop saying it. 

Smiling grandly, his mum would always start the story, then his dad would chip in later, as if suddenly unable to hold back. From the sidelines with Soobin, his two hyungs would interject their own versions, ones that would make him laugh and snort with only childlike glee.

He's ten now. In his eldest hyung's bedroom- Sungmin's technically but his other hyung, Moonbin occupies it during the week while their brother stays at university. Soobin's sure his hyungs are so smart. He wants to go to school like them. He wants homework and to study and even at ten, he wants the responsibilities of a grown up. Soobin sees their purpose and he craves it.

Moonbin is five years older than him. 

Sungmin whispers to him all the time, that their middle child brother, has a chip on his shoulder the size of the moon. The man making a fist and Soobin believes it- he believes that to be the moon because he sees it almost every day in the car. It follows him. The moon is big and small at the same time and he struggles to think about it too much. He thinks it must be hard for Moonbin to be carrying that much. For it to always follow him.

Anyway, his brother is still cool. 

They both are but Moonbin's got these blond streaks running through his hair- and Soobin thinks it looks like ribbons in the wind. Mesmerising. Even though the rest of their family laughed when they saw him. 

Moonbin's also got all these earrings, Soobin's staring at them right now. Glinting pieces of gold, he asked once if they were real and his family laughed before ruffling his hair. When he asked again, their eyes went so wide, like flying saucers, and they whispered, _it's real_.

He took that to heart, he stared back with wide eyes and thought, _woah my hyung is cool_.

They're on his bed now. The twin size filling most of the room but it's better than the bunk beds he has that feel too empty without someone else. 

Sometimes, Soobin wishes he was the oldest. He gets left out a lot and he knows, even at this age, his hyungs don't think of him like they do with each other. 

Soobin thinks that's okay. They still love him. 

He knows more than anything, he is loved.

_It's funny_ , young him thinks. 

They're talking about it again- his phase of _I love you's_. Soobin having asked for the story once more because his brothers explain it so much better than their parents. And, the sound of their voices isn't the same but he hears the peeks of interest in their voice, _a fondness-_ his mum's words ring. Moonbin and Sungmin tease him a lot but he likes the sound of their laughs so he doesn't feel too sad.

" _I love you!"_ Moonbin mimics toddler Soobin, following with a sharp laugh- one that he hears from other kids at school but it's not gutting like it is then.

Ten year old him scowls at the imitation- that's the voice his brother does when he mocks his voice _now_.

"Shut up." He says. Soobin's just learnt the word, he finds it fun. It's also a little mean but he ignores the quick sick feeling he gets when he thinks of how it's said at school.

_"Shut up!"_ His brother continues with a dramatic flair of horror. Despite how hard he tries to keep the bubbles in his stomach where they are, they rise up and he _laughs_.

He such a kid.

Sungmin laughs too and he feels a bit betrayed. Usually, his eldest hyung defends him. _His honour_ , Moonbin's words stir in his head this time.

"Don't worry, Binnie." Sungmin says, dimples flashing. "Bin's just messing."

That's something, he also doesn't think is fair. He wants to be older. Both him and Moonbin have the same ending syllable and yet, _Soobin_ , has to be called Binnie while his hyung gets the far cooler, _Bin_.

" _Am_ _I?"_ The sunlight streaks in his hair glimmer. It's like there's gold in Moonbin's hair too. Soobin thinks he's doing this weird testy thing again, the thing his dad says his hyung does to be _difficult_. Although, his dad says Soobin's difficult too sometimes- so he kind of feels happy to be like his brother.

" _Am I?"_ Sungmin repeats and Soobin wonders if all is forgiven again because they're laughing. Moonbin with the sharp sounds he makes and Sungmin where it sounds like big bear hugs. Soobin laughs too, he doesn't really know why except wanting to join in.

"Anyway, Binnie." Sungmin focuses on him again. His dimples peek as he talks and even though his brother looks kind of scary with eyes that appear carved out, Soobin likes that they all get told they look alike. Copy and paste- he knows what that means. "Why did you wanna hear the ' _love you'_ story again?"

He feels small, like he's just been found out.

Luckily Moonbin saves him (he thinks), "It's the Choi ego. He loves the attention."

"I think you're the only one who inherited that."

Moonbin chucks a pillow the colour of daytime at him. Soobin watches with fascination.

"You know, Soobinnie," Sungmin drawls, "Moonbin used to say he loved you _all the time_."

Soobin grins but it fades when his brother shouts, "Fuck off."

His sends a kick Sungmin's way. 

"I did not." Moonbin sulks in outrage. His hyung disagrees a lot with everyone. They call him a moody teen and usually Soobin thinks his brother is like sunshine, except now he kind of gets it.

Sungmin whispers in Soobin's ear. His breath tickles him and he tries not to laugh with what his hyung says. 

_Doesn't Bin look stupid?_

Stupid is a grown up word. Soobin beams at the word, he finally feels old enough for his brothers.

The college _man_ , shimmies up and away from him before clearing his throat.

"You know," He starts of slow and the look of monsters crosses Moonbin's face. "It was like Romeo and Juliet."

"Oh God, will this torture end?"

"You two wouldn't stop saying how much you loved each other." Soobin wants to say it again to his hyungs but he doesn't want to be called a loser or thought of even more as a kid. "Constant proclamations of love. God, it was beautiful."

"Romeo and Juliet die in the end, you dickhead." Soobin knows not to repeat what they say.

"Tragic." Sungmin wipes at his eyes.

"What's Romeo and Juliet?" Soobin finally asks.

"A story of death." Moonbin answers, an angry glint to his eyes- _they look like stone,_ Soobin often thinks, _like lava,_ now he knows what that is.

"But beautiful, all the same!" Sungmin cries holding onto Soobin. He awkwardly holds him back, his small arm just barely clinging onto the other.

...

** February 12th, 2013- age twelve. **

Soobin is twelve now, a step away from the big thirteen. He can now swear with his brothers- when their parents aren't around and sometimes he's allowed to hang out more with them.

He's been zoned out for the past however long since they moved onto boring topics. But, suddenly, they're insulting each other and he's finally fascinated.

"You only think that because of your girlfriend." Moonbin spits.

Sungmin's lips twist into one of those special smiles of his. Soobin never wants to make either of them angry- he'd lose. But also, he doesn't ever want one of them to look at him like that.

Like, it's possible to hate someone you love.

"And, you're just jealous you don't have one."

His hyung's nostrils flare, his lips purse and there's this impatient dip to his brows. Moonbin's hair is black again, Soobin thinks he looks even scarier like this. He won't ever tell him that.

"How would you know?" He flares. His presence reminding Soobin of those things that snap across the pavement, the ones that sound like mini fireworks when they finally explode.

"I can see rubbish in your room, Moonbin." Sungmin smiles. Soobin hates it- Moonbin does too. "I can also see that you're gross. Ain't nobody going near you."

"God, just go fuck yourself. You're such a fucking prick." 

Storm clouds. Lightning. He's volatile.

"Why? Because you're bothered you don't have a girlfriend?"

It bursts. Droplets of fire rain down and Soobin's surprised to see just how angry his brother is. They had moved past this.

"Who says I want a girlfriend?" It's a deathly whisper and Soobin can see the inklings of fear like tendrils grabbing his face. Why's he scared? Why does Sungmin look so shocked? He doesn't get it.

It's quiet. Soobin thinks something is seriously wrong. The room is like when thunder stops but the weather can't stop pouring anyway.

Sungmin looks frozen, so does Moonbin.

Before, a hushed, "Then what do you want?"

Moonbin looks defeated.

And suddenly, Sungmin's ushering Soobin out of the room. He doesn't say a word, just pushes him out and it's like the door keeps echoing when it closes. It's all just in his head though.

What went wrong?

...

** 5 December, 2013- age thirteen. **

Shadows trip across his parents face. Tiny flames flickering in front of him (Soobin wants to touch but he bites the urge down). Thirteen spells out in wax, the tops beginning to trickle- beginning to melt. 

"Make a wish." His parents smile.

Soobin closes his eyes. He still sees the flames. There's something he wants to wish for but he knows it won't come true. It's impossible especially when the night is already so dark.

_I wish my hyungs were here._

He inhales through his nose, it's like the stress seeps up there. But then, he exhales it all in a single blow- his eyes wide open, he blows out his candles. The smell of burning feels the air and he breathes it in until it feels like he'll implode.

Cheering, his dad already starts taking the cake to the kitchen while his mum grins delightedly. 

"Happy birthday, darling."

"You already said that." Soobin's lips ghost up all the same. "Thanks though. Does this mean I'm old?"

"Extremely." His mum ruffles his hair, a fond smile printed there- closed lipped but still so affectionate. The boys at Soobin's school take the piss out of their parents- he'd rather die than ever talk bad about his. It doesn't matter if he'll never have friends. He can live without them, he can't without his family.

Soobin sits on the sofa while his parents prepare slices. It's not a two person job but he knows his mum likes to steal an extra piece of cake before the official thing. An _appetizer,_ she calls it.

If his brothers were here, they'd be cracking jokes. They'd sing happy birthday in all the keys. If his brothers were here, Soobin's heart wouldn't feel so heavy.

It's not that deep, he knows that. But, it feels like a bad omen to not have the two people he loves more than anything else not here. 

Moonbin's at university finally. He moved far away, way down south. Sometimes, it feels like he did it deliberately- to never see any of them.

Soobin shouldn't think this though. After all, they spoke today over the phone and his brother promised a present when he returns for the holidays. Slyly, his hyung kept being cryptic about whether he'd get the new Xbox game or not. Soobin knows though- just knows he will have got it for him.

It's strange though without Sungmin. The elder lives at home now, yet Soobin feels like he sees him less than when he was at uni. When he comes in, it's late, with a harsh chill sweeping in with him. There's these presses of purple beneath his eyes, ones that shouldn't be on a face of such warmth. They look the same as his parent's.

Still, Sungmin tries to smile when he catches sight of Soobin. He's only thirteen so he doesn't really think he knows the weight of existence yet but sometimes he's scared he's all that keeps his brother going. The only reason he'll smile in the day.

His hyung is working in business. Soobin really doesn't know what exactly but it looks like it's hard- like it must be tough to be surrounded by such high stakes all the time. When they talk, he tries not to bring up the topic and make him all sad again.

But, secretly, Soobin really doesn't envy his brother at all.

Secretly, he's scared for him.

He misses when things felt warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik i said i'd do looooong chapters but i don't like the idea of that anymore sjsjsjsj just imagine that everything i put in these notes is a lie and the opposite will happen, bc i do be going back on my word a lot- sry. this is one of four chapters i have already written, hopefully i will have more figured out :p


	3. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are entering the angst phase ~

** October 6th, 2015- age fourteen. **

Soobin is a disaster. He's been told that since he was a kid. How clumsy he is, how little he knows to say, the way his mind is fragmented pieces and how he's always had to try to string thoughts together- because his brain just doesn't work right. Sometimes, Soobin feels like he doesn't work right. Point blank.

It's a setting sky when they get a knock on the door. Soobin had been staring out the window, printing colours of crimson, grey and pink to his mind. He had googled it once- why the sky is red sometimes. It's because it's sick. Polluted with so much dust it looks like it bleeds.

He misses his brothers.

Soobin misses having people who felt like home. Obviously, he still loves his parents, but he feels this void in his heart, one that he knows people his age is supposed to fill.

The knocking comes again. Fist against wood because his dad refuses to buy a doorbell. Soobin's knuckles hurt with the thought.

Funnily enough, Mr Choi is the one to go to the door. Not even having to look through the peephole- one of the only instances in Soobin's life that he's witnessed his dad not doing that. He knows whatever on the other side is important so he straightens up with a grin and hopes it's one of his hyungs.

It's not.

His smile falters but Soobin's dad beams, his mum quickly walking to the door- apron on and all. A tall man steps in, towering over his dad's own commanding stature- a small boy following after him.

Both of their guests smile. Broad for the man and polite for the boy.

Soobin scowls.

"Huening!" His dad cheers, at the same time of the man grinning, "Choi!"

Two peas in a pod.

"Come in, come in." Soobin's dad ushers- he's never seen him look so energetic before. "Meet my wife, Seunghee."

They exchange pleasantries before his dad ushers him over. Large hands clasp over his shoulders, Soobin forces himself to politely smile. He hates meeting new people, mostly because he hates small talk. He hates that he knows where conversation will go before he even starts it.

"This is my son, Soobin." His dad has a grin to his voice and Soobin looks up at him to confirm. He's _beaming_. "Say hi, Soobin."

"Nice to meet you." He bows. Somehow, he doesn't really feel able to smile anymore- it should be easy but his lips aren't moving right and he's sure his gaze is hollow.

"A pleasure." The man says, "I'm Mr Huening and this is my son, Kai."

Kai smiles, teeth and all, his gaze feeling heavy on Soobin.

They both bow.

"Soobin is your hyung, Kai." Mr Huening says.

"Nice to meet you, hyung." Kai hesitantly smiles again, close lipped this time. His eyes are like slabs of obsidian, no brightness to them. Weirdly round despite the sharp shape. Soobin glances over the rest of his features- unnoteworthy beside his small sloping nose and choppy dark hair.

It's too early to be called hyung, but when he looks to his own dad for reassurance- his gaze is telling him to accept it.

Soobin sees something alike in his eyes, so he tries to smile (and tries not to think about his hyungs who he wishes took the space of their two visitors) and says, "Your name is cool."

And like that, they move to the dining table- Soobin's mum close to finishing dinner while his dad pours tea for them all.

"We're coworkers." Soobin's dad explains when he finally notices Soobin eyeing him. "Both in international relations. The Huenings have recently moved here from China."

He nods, not having anything nice to say. He wants to ask why they didn't stay there.

"You have a lovely home." Mr Huening says. Soobin resents having to respect adults who have yet to earn it.

His dad laughs, "All down to my wife."

Soobin tunes out after that, instead watching the boy opposite him- his _dongsaeng_ twisting chopsticks in his fingers.

He doesn't know why but he suddenly asks, "How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

Kai doesn't look up and Soobin is getting agitated. The kid doesn't look much older than ten, he can't really take him seriously.

Soobin's dad looks at him to say something else.

"Do you like Korea?" He asks. Why even bother?

"I haven't been here long enough yet." Soobin inhales, it whooshes a punch to his heart. He doesn't know how to respond, he can't do small talk.

"Are you Korean?"

Soobin genuinely can't tell. The only features that look Korean are the darkness to his hair and eyes- the rest is all unfamiliar.

"Half." Kai looks up, head tilted, staring Soobin right in the eyes. "And you?"

He short circuits.

"Korean." He answers anyway because his dad is watching. Soobin doesn't care that the boy is irritated- must have been to redirect that question, he still asks, "Are you also Chinese?"

"No." The boy continues to stare. Soobin stares back.

"Dinner's ready!" His mum comes out, a large pot of kimchi stew between plush oven gloves.

His dad's chair scrapes, "I'll get the wine."

They both leave the room and Soobin's left to fend for himself with their guests.

"How's school, Soobin?" Mr Huening asks, the lightest eyes Soobin's ever seen in his life settled on him. They look like chips of ice. It makes him want to run.

Hesitating, he fumbles for something to say.

"It's okay for now. Next year will be harder though because of exams." Soobin thinks that's an adequate enough response because the man nods.

"That's good to hear. I'm sure my Hyuka will be relieved to know." Mr Huening looks down at Kai from next to him.

It takes him a moment too long but he realises that Kai is _Hyuka_. The boy looks like he's decomposing, withering as he slumps down in his seat, flushed a cherry colour- avidly avoiding eye contact.

Soobin tries not to snort- at least they're both uncomfortable.

The food comes out and he thanks God, he's free from this pain.

A big thing of rice is gently settled down instead of making the usual thump from force. His dad picks the side dishes off a tray- along with a bottle of wine and glasses. Soobin thinks if Moonbin was here, he'd call out their dad on the lack of soju.

The tray is taken back to the kitchen and then they're all seated together again.

Suddenly, everyone's hands clasp and his mum is nudging him.

They never say grace before dinner unless his grandparents are there.

"Dear lord." Everyone's eyes are closed but Soobin's peek open to find the only one younger than him with his wide open. Kai makes eye contact and smirks. Soobin closes his eyes and pretends he doesn't feel watched.

"Amen." Is said chorused and Soobin hurriedly chips in.

"The food looks lovely." Mr Huening says from opposite the table.

"You've outdone yourself, sweetheart." His dad says to his mum in agreement.

She blushes from beside him, Soobin watches her with amused eyes, "Thank you."

He's never seen her so humble before. Always saying _'of course'_ when one of them says she did good. Soobin smiles with the thought- only Kai notices. It's like his eyes follow everywhere.

They make eye contact again, the younger with curiosity and Soobin raises his brows in a _'what'_ gesture- the kind Moonbin still makes all the time. Kai tilts his head in return, as if his own _what_ and Soobin slowly smiles.

It dies though with what comes next.

"Kai is top in all his classes." Mr Huening brags to his parents.

Soobin tries not to shrink when his dad looks at him like why isn't he doing that? Why isn't Soobin being the best?

"He looks intelligent." His mum says.

Soobin focuses on scooping himself rice. He takes comforting bites before pinching some garlic with his chopsticks.

"Does he?" The man muses with a smile while the boy just stares down at his food. What's wrong with him? If Soobin was getting praised he wouldn't look like that. Maybe Kai is arrogant, that's why he doesn't care- all the boys in Soobin's year are like that.

"Extremely." His dad sucks up. "Has he got a future figured out yet?"

Soobin thinks the kid is thirteen and he would hope not because Soobin most certainly doesn't.

"He wants to be a musician. Play piano all round the world."

He thinks Kai can speak so why doesn't he say that if he's so great.

From next to him, his mother's delighted claps ring in his ears. "I see it. I see it. He has such piano hands."

Kai's chopsticks clatter as he drops them. _Not so perfect now, huh?_

"He gets them from his mother." The blue eyes man beams. "He plays guitar and drums too, he's like his own little band and the voice on him. Blimey. Anyway, at the moment, he plays piano with his sister but we're trying to break him out of that habit."

Soobin decides he hates Huening Kai.

Somehow he's worse than the boys at his school who swear and drink behind buildings and call Soobin a pussy every time he walks past or declines buying them cigarettes. He's worse because Soobin's decided it and that's final.

He tries to ignore how his heart thunders.

Kai's perfect and Soobin's not and he's gonna fail the world, he knows it. So, he'll let himself hate Kai because the younger's not like the boys at school but something terribly worse- terribly perfect, and Soobin feels inadequate. He hates that his dad smiles prouder at Kai than he does at him.

Soobin is a train wreck.

"My eldest son works in finance." His dad says, sipping his wine. Soobin resents him- just a little bit. "Absolute pride and joy, he'll go far."

Like him and Moonbin don't exist. Or that Soobin still remembers how lost Sungmin looked every time he came home. There's a bitter taste in his mouth one he's never experienced before.

"Our second, well," He continues, "He's studying animation but he's only recently started his degree. He's still got time left to decide what he wants to do."

 _Moonbin is two years into his degree, there really isn't any deciding left,_ Soobin wants to say but he doesn't have courage. He's not brave.

"Regardless animation is an excellent field. You must be proud of your kids. All of them." Mr Huening winks at him and Soobin stops.

Then he restarts and he hates Kai even more. He hates him because his dad must be so proud of him.

"I'm sure Soobin will thrive as well. He's interested in medicine." His dad says and Soobin thinks he's the most dramatic man in existence. Soobin only mentioned medicine as a kid- when he played pretend doctor with stethoscopes. Before he started to understand what saving a life really meant. "Might become a neurosurgeon instead of dealing with matters of the heart."

They laugh heartedly, his mum too. If Sungmin and Moonbin were here they'd laugh too but for different reasons. They'd mutter liar and cough if someone asked what. He misses them.

Soobin feels so alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably my least favourite of the chapters i have so far tbh


	4. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarification/kinda disclaimer for this chapter:  
> soobin relies on school hierarchy in this. at his school, there's diff colour ties for diff years. and in terms of hierarchy, the younger yrs are more scared of the upper yrs but it's not like a set in stone thing- most are also afraid bc soobin does go to a rougher school n anybody scared of soobin is just afraid of him being vvvv rough too  
> hence what happens in this chapter happens ~  
> (also paper planes did happen at my school in case anyone is confused)  
> i hope you enjoy <3

** November 12th, 2015- age fourteen. **

After that day, Soobin notices Kai a lot more. The younger floating round school, laughing with some wide eyed kid. He doesn't care when their eyes meet, just looks away and continues walking.

School is hard for him.

Academics aren't easy and his parents made him choose hard subjects when all he wants to do is dip into colours and words and make something make sense when everything feels so difficult. His grades are failing, he doesn't understand. There's numbers between gridded lines and diagrams that he wishes were drawings. In geography they talk about different types of rocks and Soobin wonders why he's supposed to care.

The only salvation that comes is science. He relaxes and wonders if maybe his dad was right about medicine. But, he doesn't want it and he doesn't want to be good at it or listen. Soobin doesn't want to prove his dad right. Yet, he still tries because his mum and brothers will be disappointed- his dad too but it'll be more like anger- Soobin doesn't care about anger. Can't care at all when he's seen how far the greying man took his siblings.

Life is confusing.

Boys in his class throw paper airplanes and some jab into his back. He gets tapped by some girl and he's forced to dig across the floor for the fallen one to give to her. When he turns back to the front the teacher wants an answer to a question and Soobin doesn't know.

He doesn't know.

So, he grips his pen so hard in his hand, he's certain of little red indents.

"I don't know." He says and the class is weirdly silent. Soobin wants to be swallowed whole.

"What don't you know?"

 _Everything_.

He wants to say it, breathe it in and let it out because he's so confused all the time.

"The question is easy, Soobin." The teacher says. God, he wants to die. "What don't you know?"

The class is staring at him now, beady brown eyes that look deadly. Judgmental. Fuck, fifteen year olds. Distantly, he hears a snigger from the same kid who threw the plane. He wants to scream and say he just doesn't fucking know. But he can't and he can't say anything so he just stares guiltily at the teacher and hopes for mercy.

Mr Kim sighs, deep like Soobin has personally aggravated his soul. And what does he know? He probably has.

"I'll see you after class."

Maths finishes too quickly. He never thought he would ever think that.

Too soon, it's just him and Mr Kim, with backpack straps clutched in hands that tremble.

"What's wrong, Soobin?" He asks, like Soobin ever has an answer. "This is content from last year- things I know you did fine on in your tests. So, tell me, what's the matter?"

He feels small.

Soobin towers over his classmates, yet he feels so shriveled standing in front of his sitting teacher.

_How can he say, he doesn't know?_

"Nothing." Soobin says after seconds too long. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

He wants to close his eyes and lay on the twin bed he now has. Soobin wants to sleep away this exhaustion. To not have to worry about the brick wall, he's struggling to climb in his mind.

"Then why can't you do this?" His teacher asks and if Soobin thought anyone was capable of caring, he would almost think the man in front of him is concerned. Soobin isn't someone to worry about, he's always been fine- so why does he look like that? "Your grades aren't bad, Soobin. But, the way you're heading- so early on in the term too- it's going to be a struggle for you when exams come."

"I'll do better." He says. Soobin doesn't feel like he will.

Mr Kim takes a good moment to look at him. Soobin wonders what he sees. The man's gaze flickers from where his hands clutch tightly at his bag and Soobin drops them. He looks over his face and the teen doesn't bother to smile.

"Okay. Do better, then."

...

It's lunch time, too far in from Mr Kim's chat but Soobin doesn't really care, it's not like he has friends to bother with.

The courtyard is built from grey slabs of stone that remind him of a prison. Sometimes when he walks down here, it feels like he's walking to his death. He kind of likes it though, it's quiet compared to the fields. No one really dips into the nooks and crannies between all the buildings.

However, the silence is a bit too much to bear so he tucks in his hands and dawdles to the fields. It's grassy and shit when you first reach them, a risk of concussion with the amount of people playing football. The amount he's been hit by one of them should be illegal.

There's lots of groups- even little duos and trios of friends. Some sit on the grass like it's not drying mud and others run with their own adventure. Their own purpose.

Instead of being like them, Soobin takes his own route to the far edges of the fields- a place he doesn't really go to often because it's makes him late to class. It's different today though, Soobin doesn't care.

_Soobin doesn't care._

He tries not to trip on his way. Before, when his coordination was particularly astounding, he would trip on bags and stretched out legs. Now, he feels like he navigates better, a few years of getting used to this shithole helping with that.

The fences come into view (ah yes, he loves the feel of containment), high structures of silver which he's seen the occasional person scale before- that he's seen Moonbin jump over.

There's a couple people up right by them. It looks like a fight. A one-sided fight.

Some small kid is being pinned by a much larger one.

Now, Soobin is no Einstein, but he's pretty sure the puny little kid could not have oppressed the beefy one so badly that he deserves rails pressing into his back.

He sighs, looking round to see if anyone else sees what he's seeing.

Nope?

Just him, great.

But, his brothers didn't teach him to pussy out when people are in need, so he straightens his shoulders. He clicks his head from side to side, and tries to activate his full height. Letting his blazer fall back, he makes sure his school tie is obvious (loosening it a bit too) and prays that the big brute isn't older or the same age as him.

Striding ahead, he relaxes his face so it's in the full cruelness the rest of his family have when they so desire it. He pushes his hair back and makes his bag fall off one shoulder and tries to act like he doesn't care- just like the rest of his peers do.

"Hey! Dickhead!" His voice is loud but steady. Calm even. The bastard flinches and looks back. Up close Soobin can see he really isn't all that big. That the kid beneath his hands is just that small with his head ducked and more messy hair than body.

"What are you doing?" Soobin asks, his insides shake and his hands do too but he forces them inside his pockets. Straightening his back even more, he makes sure the teen knows Soobin is taller. That Soobin is better and has less to lose.

"What's it to you?" He's still pinning the kid to the fence. His head falls back to look at Soobin, a snide edge to his lips that pull his face down, makes his nose look even bigger.

Soobin knows it's not funny, but still- the boy looks ridiculous.

How did he never realise just how stupid kids his age look?

"Do I need to repeat myself?" Soobin sounds deadly calm. He lets his eyes narrow, eyebrows falling down, lashes lowering so his eyes look even darker- so he's not so innocent looking. "Do you really want me to do that?"

He wants to snort at how stupid he sounds.

The boy takes him in. Drinks in the sight of how unaffected Soobin can look, how his sleeves are being rolled up- how Soobin drops his bag to the grass. At last, he notices his tie, the colour an emerald green- insignificant except it classes him as one of the upper years. Soobin wants the dickhead to let go of the kid, just so he can see how old the ugly fuck is.

Soobin's relatively sure though. He gets the feeling neither the bully or the kid is older than him- doesn't have hierarchy over him.

The boy lets go, the kid falling down so he can curl round his knees. Soobin feels bad for him.

"Have it your way." He says, ready to walk off but Soobin grabs him by the arm.

Turning round, the teen is younger, one of the year nines, oh how funny.

"Not so fast." Soobin's lips quirk. "Don't you have something to say?"

"What?" He can seen the hesitation there, the misunderstanding but the reluctance to fight someone who's clearly older, bigger. The wimp doesn't want to harass someone stronger than him and Soobin feels _angry_.

Livid at a shit day and such a shitty human being.

His heart is pounding and he feels the hand that isn't latched round the boy's arm forming a fist. Soobin feels kind of dizzy with the thrill. He wants to be angry.

"Say sorry to him."

The boy is stunned, like he doesn't know the meaning of the word and from down on the grass, he sees the kids head snap up.

Huening Kai.

They're bigger than before- his eyes. They're huge now. Gigantic and he looks pale and so frightened but it softens when he sees Soobin so the elder softens too. Lets the anger exhale but he still says it again.

"Apologise."

"I- no."

Soobin's own eyes go wide but they feel a little unhinged, like he doesn't have control. He grins, pulling the petulant twat closer.

" _What did you say?"_

"I'm sorry." He corrects, eyes gone so big, Soobin can see the whites all round the iris.

"Say it to him." The boy doesn't say anything. _"Now_. _"_

"Fine, for fuck's sake, _sorry_." He says, looking Kai in the face. The boy pushes Soobin away. "Leave me the fuck alone now."

"Excellent." Soobin grins but he still feels mania staining his features. Is this how Moonbin felt whenever he pulled these faces? Out of control? Like he can't pull himself out of this feeling. "Now never bother him again, asshole."

"Whatever."

And just like that he's gone.

Soobin stands there for a moment, wide eyed in disbelief of what he's just done. He exhales, pants for a moment even though the brute is long gone. But still, he feels like he's crashing, coming down. He sinks on the grass near Kai, who surprisingly doesn't flinch away from him.

Soobin would back the hell away from him, if he were Kai.

"Holy shit." He exhales it all, shaking. Soobin turns to Kai still so bug eyed. "I can't believe I did that."

The younger stares back equally as stunned, "I can't either."

An accent slips into his words, like the ones Soobin hears online of Americans talking Korean.

"If he bothers you again tell me." He doesn't know why he says it, Soobin isn't a hero.

Kai breathes in, then out, one big airy word, "Thanks."

Soobin's still kind of shaken, so he says, "Anytime."

As if it's nothing.

"Why was he bothering you?" He asks. Otherwise maybe the boy will continue. Or maybe Soobin needs to report it.

"Nothing." The accent is there again and Kai looks horrified, shriveling in at the sound of his own voice.

"It's not nothing." Soobin says, but doesn't push it. "Where's that kid your always with?"

The younger's nose scrunches, "Who?"

"The-" He stops dead, how does he describe the kid that looks like every other teen out there. "You know, the kid."

Kai stares at him blankly.

Soobin sighs.

"The one that's slightly taller than you." He tries, fumbling for some detail. "He has that horrific bowl cut we all have."

Soobin realises how stupid that is in explaining because how do you pinpoint a kid with the same hair and everything as everyone else.

"His eyes are massive." He settles on.

Kai's own eyes go wide, "Taehyun?"

"I don't know." Soobin says. And just to be shitty like the rest of everything, he says, "You tell me."

"I think you're talking about Taehyun." The words slip out slowly, Kai trying hard not to mispronounce. Soobin finds himself wanting to comfort him, to tell him it doesn't matter how the words come out because it's all the same anyway. "He's got study group."

Now he knows, he feels lost on how to respond.

"Did you know that kid?"

Kai features scramble again. "Taehyun?"

Jesus.

"No the one that was just here." _Bullying you_ is unsaid.

"Oh, _him_." The word is bitter on the boy's tongue. Soobin can't help but stare at how sharp he looks. Kai looks like sour lemons. Piercing in a way that he doesn't know how to explain. How to feel about. "He's in my Korean class."

"Are you gonna tell someone if he bothers you again?" Soobin isn't expecting much.

"No."

"What's the kids name?" Soobin thinks he's only one year older but still, he likes making others seem younger. Everyone even a week younger than him, seems like a kid.

Kai snorts, "As if I'd say."

Soobin grins, smiles for the first time that day.

"You caught me." He says. "Have you had lunch?"

Kai shakes his head. Scatters of dark strands swing with the movement.

Soobin reaches for his bag that he dropped earlier. Unzipping the side compartment, he takes out a packet of crisps.

Chucking them to Kai, the boy's hands faff for a moment and Kai looks confused all over again.

"For me?"

"Yeah." Soobin says, head falling back against the fence. He closes his eyes. "For you."

"I've got nothing for you though."

He peeks an eye open, the boy is frowning. "So?"

"Shouldn't you eat?" He says the words hurriedly, no longer all that bothered by how he sounds, apparently. "You'll be hungry."

"I won't." Soobin's head flops to the side so he can watch the younger lazily. Kai's still staring at the snack. "I don't really get hungry at this time."

"Are you sure?" He thinks the boy's voice is nice, wonders if he has a good singing voice. Sometimes when Soobin's whole family is home, everyone is singing, making noise, dancing to the music. "Why don't we share?"

Soobin shakes his head. He feels nauseous from that almost fight, his stomach turning and turning. It feels like his insides are melting. Acid coursing through his veins and he feels like shaking but can't.

"Thanks, hyung."

It's only the second time he's heard it from the boy. Kai having only said it once in front of his dad, like he knew too it would be too early otherwise.

Soobin doesn't hate him. Not even a little bit. He was just sad and he needs to deal with that.

Kai rests his head against the fence too, his hair like little feathers fluffing up. It looks soft. Huening Kai looks soft. Like someone Soobin is deep down but is too scared to face.

"His name is Lee Jaemin." Suddenly, Kai says softly. Soobin watches him with careful eyes. Cautious not to scare him away from speaking. "He hates me because I'm not Korean."

The wind gets knocked from him.

 _"Are you Korean?"_ rings in his head. God, he must have seemed like a dick then.

"You are Korean, though?" Soobin finds himself saying instead of the dark staining, _sorry_. The word feeling like cherry skins in his mouth.

"Does it matter?" He says quietly, now looking at him. Kai's eyes are so dark, Soobin thinks he could give the Choi's a run for their money. "I have an accent. I sound stupid when I speak. Of course he hates me."

"You don't sound stupid." Soobin says as equally as quiet. "It's certainly not reason to hate you either."

"I wish we stayed in China." Kai speaks. "But even then, I wasn't Chinese."

The boy laughs, choking and sad.

"I'm not anything."

 _I'm not either_ , Soobin thinks.

"He's a fucking racist." Soobin says instead. "He's the real piece of shit. You are not nothing."

"Maybe."

"My brothers," Soobin starts, he doesn't really want to continue but he does, "my brothers said nothing else matters so long as someone loves you. You have people who love you, therefore you are something. Jaemin is the nothing."

Kai snorts. "Isn't that worse?"

"What's worse?"

"That Lee Jaemin is only a piece of shit because he's unloved." The words come out simply, like fact. Kai seems simple. The boy readjusts himself against the fence. "Imagine how terrible the world would be just because we're all hurting."

Soobin is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so dramatic sjsjsj 
> 
> i've pretty much got three chapters pre-written so from now on i'm gonna do weekly updates for them- just so i have time to write more in advance ^^ the next one will finally have all of them together (minus yeonjun). in the meantime, i hope anyone reading this has a good week <3


	5. 4

** November 16th, 2015- age fourteen. **

Monday's drag round again. Soobin can't wait until he's done with school, but he settles on waiting for the winter holidays to come instead. Only a month to go before he can stay at home for two weeks doing nothing, he can't wait.

Everything's so grey this time of year. Soobin wonders if he was a colour, what he would be. He feels pretty grey too.

Maths is stealing his will to live. 

_Why does such torture have to be in the morning?_

Mr Kim keeps giving him these looks but he's merciful enough to not ask Soobin anything. He wonders if he has fragile tape wrapped round him, maybe that's why his teacher doesn't bother with him. Or maybe Mr Kim is simply tired with Soobin, has already given up on him in less than a week.

History is next. He wonders how anyone can care about the intricacies of it all. Isn't it enough to know war is bad, than learning about how everyone felt too? They felt shit, their life was shit, beyond that, Soobin doesn't think he needs to write in every paragraph that people were devastated. It's ingrained in everyone's skull enough. School is shit, he doesn't have to be reminded of other people's suffering.

It's break time. The most pointless fifteen minutes in existence for Soobin.

Every day, he wanders without purpose. He traces brick walls. He counts how long he can hold his breath. He draws little cartoons on the corners of buildings. He writes _I was here, I'm here too_ , then crosses it all out.

Life is passing him by. When his heart feels less weighted, when the ache in his chest leaves him, for a moment, he tries. Occasionally, he'll raise his hand in class. Sometimes, he smiles when his mum tells him, she's making his favourite.

Other days, it's harder. Most days are hard, but these particular ones make it hard for him to find the motivation for anything.

Soobin counts his blessings though. He tries to pretend there's good days coming. That: _this too, shall pass_.

P.E is next, though. So, Soobin doesn't feel quite as lucky.

The changing rooms are like a loud form of torture for him. He cramps himself into the smallest corner, where the only other occasional reject goes. It smells of sweat all the time, with ugly blue walls and falling apart benches- that he knows gives splinters. There's hooks on the ugly walls where he's meant to put his stuff and hope his phone doesn't get stolen.

Ah, teenage youth. He can feel the greatness.

There's more laughter than usual, more rowdiness. Stupid boys undressing, all their shit spread out. The oxygen gets taken from him in times like this, like he's inhaling just to keep all the things that make him hurt, in.

"It's the year nines today." One of the beloved says.

Soobin pretends he's not listening, just laces up his trainers. The image of Huening Kai pops in his brain. His words echoing from last week. How Soobin felt just a few days ago. He hopes the boy isn't in his class today.

"Fucking kids." One says. "Let's give them hell."

He thinks he's in hell. His stomach clenching because whenever their class is with another year, it means things get worse, louder. And they're always in the gymnasium at this time of year and it feels tiny, with no place to hide.

They always get told to get into groups and he always has to pretend he doesn't feel alone when he's the only one standing. Has to pretend he's unbothered when the teacher puts him in some group and they leave him out. Or in the times there's captains, Soobin acts like he's unfazed when he's picked dead last, even though he knows everyone is aware it's a shitty feeling. 

Their awareness just makes him feel worse.

Lonely. He's so fucking alone.

Soobin starts to leave the locker room as everyone else starts to file out. They traipse across the basketball courts, shivering in their shorts and thin tops before going into the gymnasium. Their teacher leads- in a full on fucking coat and (probably fleeced) joggers.

_Fucking hierarchy his ass._

Nevertheless, they make it past the halls, into the main building. It's all shiny light floors and white walls. Glaringly bright and chirpy for how he feels. To his dread, there's equipment out. Mats, the climbing ropes, fucking poles and Soobin just knows, this is a group activity.

The coach blows the whistle, all twenty of them stop along the far wall- having been there long enough to know to line up, waiting for the other year.

There's a faint buzz of chatter, most coming from the teacher checking in on the athletic ones. They all grin, arrogance seeping from their fucking pores. Soobin wishes he was them.

Quietness rounds though as the other class walks in.

_Please don't have Huening Kai._

_Please don't have Huening Kai._

_Please don't have Huening Kai._

It's a mantra of him pleading inside his head. If there's a God up there, _please no Huening Kai_. Soobin can't take the embarrassment today. Not after such egotistical talk last week. He scans all the faces trotting in. He starts to relax after they all start to finish falling in. Releasing a breath, he thanks God, _no Huening Kai_.

Soobin's eyes virtually pop out from his skull.

_Huening Kai_. The cockroach looking kid with him.

Soobin is a judgmental prick.

But seriously, _what are the chances?_ There's like a billion different classes for each year group, yet he has to have the one the kid is in. Soobin's built from bad luck.

Both year teachers start talking- the squabble they do every year whenever classes converge.

"This year," The gym teacher Soobin had last term speaks, "we're doing things differently."

How excellent.

"You losers." This years teacher, Mr Min, talks. "Will pair with the younger ones in groups of four."

There's a rise of something, so Mr Min silences them, "And none of that whining you all do. Don't complain. There's no changing this."

Soobin sighs.

He looks down back at the other side, hunts down Kai in a sea of kids that look like him. There's a pair of dark eyes already staring him down and how wonderful, the boy has spotted him.

Kai's mouth ghosts into a half smile. Soobin can't read what any of his whole fucking face means.

"Right, get into your duos and then find a pair of the little weasels on the other side." Mr Min says. "Don't get into any bigger groups than that, I know how many there are of you."

Soobin sighs again. An issue he doesn't have to worry about.

The rest of his class figure out their pairs while the year nines do too. Everyone seems to figure it out quite quickly except for the popular group- which means one of them will be lumped with Soobin. _Lovely_.

It's one of those stylish ones (the ones with dyed brown hair) that makes eye contact with him. His gaze not quite as cocky as the rest but still irritating to Soobin. The boy, Choi Beomgyu, doesn't show any sign of emotion, just turns back with a grin at his peers.

"I'll go." He says to the rest of his friends. The words not designed to be hushed but coming out low anyway.

There's groans from some of them, clearly not wanting him to be the one to leave. Beomgyu just smirks with a salute before making his way over to Soobin.

Even more lovely, he gets the _extra_ popular one.

"I'm Beomgyu." The teen says. A bandana pushes his brown hair back, making his eyes just that bit more amused. Mirthful. Like he's going to enjoy working with Soobin for the rest of winter. "You're Soobin, right?"

"Yeah."

"Let's work together."

Soobin debates asking why the brunette sacrificed himself but chooses not to. If the guy's a dick, he'll just skip the class. He's never skipped a class a day in his life, but now seems like a solid time to start.

"Sure." He doesn't bother smiling.

That lights Beomgyu into even more joy. A twinkle coming to his eyes and Jesus, he looks like he has something planned.

He probably does.

The other boy is known as the class clown- the one most known for causing trouble in the whole year. Someone who does stuff just for the hell of it. Because, it's fun to stir things up. The epitome of mischief.

Soobin tries to remember if there's any bullying involved in that but he's fairly certain Beomgyu isn't a prick. He relaxes a bit with the thought.

"Year nine's." Mr Min is the one who speaks again. "Choose the year ten's who look less like criminals. My only piece of advice when dealing with this lot."

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Beomgyu smirk.

_Don't pick us_ , Soobin thinks. Deliberately trying _not_ to make eye contact with Kai, scared he might accidentally signal him over or something. He stares at the floor instead.

"We're the Choi's." He hears Beomgyu say. Soobin snaps his head up. _Why does he have to make it sound like we're married?_ "I'm Beomgyu."

The other Choi's hand bats down on Soobin's shoulder.

Soobin finally faces his extra teammates.

_Wonderful_.

It's Huening Kai and Huening Kai's friend.

"I'm Soobin." He forces out.

"We're brothers." Beomgyu says with a wink, Soobin chokes. He stares Beomgyu down, the other just grins back, the same sparkle still there. The brunette does jazz hands, "The Choi's."

Huening Kai snorts.

This makes Beomgyu's gaze get even lighter, everyone looking at the younger boy who's trying not to laugh.

Soobin thinks the younger will call Beomgyu out.

But nope.

Kai looks at them both, a grin stretching and lazily says, "You guys look alike."

Beomgyu laughs loudly- a wide grin, the fucking dazzling sparkle.

Surprising even himself, Soobin deadpans, "We're twins."

Beomgyu sobers up both from his entertainment to the surprised (but happy eyes) he's giving Soobin.

"People get us confused all the time." The brunette says.

"I can totally tell." Kai laughs. Soobin's kind of surprised. "I'm Huening Kai."

Beomgyu nods his head in somewhat of an effort to bow.

"And I'm Kang Taehyun." The other one says, deadpanning, "We're _not_ twins."

"Excellent." Beomgyu somewhat bows again, so does Soobin this time. "We're not either."

Taehyun smiles, "Would never have realised."

"I think we'll all get along well." Beomgyu grins.

...

They all get along well together.

Soobin wasn't expecting it in all honesty. He's so used to people being a let down, that it didn't cross his mind that maybe the 'cool kids' are popular for a reason- because they're _fun_. And, this doesn't go for all of them but Beomgyu is so unbothered, he feels himself unwinding. The ivy round him slips that little bit undone.

Kai and Taehyun are a surprise too. Getting to know them more, Soobin thinks they're kind of parallels.

The wide eyed kid being somewhat sarcastic for his age, maybe even a touch snarky. Beomgyu laughs in glee though whenever Taehyun says something. Huening Kai does this snort that Soobin's steadily becoming accustomed to.

Kai is cheeky in a way, pushing boundaries while still being a little bit uncertain in his delivery. He's interesting enough. Occasionally, he does this super loud squealing laugh and Soobin has to bite back a smile. Beomgyu and him don't really mind the confidence of the younger years.

"Put your back into it." The brunette drawls, Soobin tries not to commit a murder. "Even Kai is moving faster than you."

Out of the group, it turns out him and Kai are the least athletic. So, they all decided for them to compete which damages his ego a bit but Beomgyu has to go up against Taehyun- at least Soobin isn't _always_ losing against Huening.

They're climbing up the ropes. Soobin's barely off the ground and he feels winded. There's a stitch in his side from the previous starjumps they had to do. Kai grins down at him from the other rope. He tries desperately not to scowl.

"Fuck off." He huffs down at Beomgyu. Delighted cackles rise from below. Soobin cements into his mind to never show a reaction in front of the brunette. The only slightly younger (who also informed them all, _he's a pisces_ \- whatever that means), seeming to thrive off of chaos.

Sick twisted bastard.

"Don't worry, Hyuka." Taehyun calls from below. Fucking Hyuka. "Soobin-sshi is barely moving, take your time."

Soobin makes sure his sigh can be heard.

His group sniggers- even Huening Kai laughs from where he's still climbing up.

"Kai." Soobin calls, making sure to keep moving as fast as he can. The younger pauses, looking down at him, dark eyes expectant. "You know I'm your hyung, right?"

"Sure?"

Soobin tries not to give away too much, just still shimmying up.

"Wait, what do you mean, _hyung?"_ Beomgyu shouts from below. "Why aren't I your hyung, Kai?"

He hears the brunette gasp, "What about you, Taehyun? Call me hyung."

"Jesus." He hears the year nine mutter.

Soobin laughs softly to himself.

Kai is still staring, expectant. They're level now, Soobin takes a moment to catch his breath.

"Yes hyung?" He says.

"Yes, Kai." Soobin acts confused. "What is it?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"I don't know, maybe." Soobin grins, starting to climb again. He's faster than before, grateful for the seconds break he had.

Kai gasps, "You tricked me! Fucking cheat."

He hears the rest of their group cackling. Soobin half smiles.

Still, climbing, he tries to look down at Kai as he does. The kid is spidermanning going up.

"Me?" Soobin has the audacity to look confused. "Never."

He reaches the top, touching the tips of the equipment frames.

"I win!" He declares.

Looking down at his group, Kai is rolling his eyes (a smile on his face), Beomgyu is clapping delighted and Taehyun just looks weirdly proud.

Both him and Kai shimmy back down the rope (burning their palms in the process), jumping off with a thump. Soobin's ankles hurt with the movement.

"You cheated." Kai states again.

"Don't be a sore loser." Soobin tries to frown. To have the audacity to look offended. He grins after though, something wicked and makes him feel alive. "You should be nice to hyung."

"Hyung, my fucking ass."

"So," Beomgyu starts again, staring at Soobin with his oddly light eyes. "Why do you get to be hyung? I don't think it's fair."

"Life isn't." Soobin remarks.

"Don't worry." Kai smiles sweetly. Fucking devil. "You can be my favourite, _Beomgyu_ _hyung_."

"I can't believe you say that to just anybody." Soobin says. He feels free. Floaty. Not so dark on the inside. "I thought we had something special."

"So did I." Kai remarks dryly. "But I can't believe you cheated. That's like a _sin_. I wouldn't _dream_ of doing that."

"You did it during the push ups." He raises his brows. "I saw you out of the corner of my eye."

"Whatever makes you feel better about losing, _hyung_."

Soobin scoffs.

"Lover's spat." Beomgyu pulls Taehyun by the arm ahead to the next torture exercise to do. "Best to stay out of it."

Both him and Kai sigh, turning to each other when they realise their synchronicity.

"Truce?" Soobin offers.

"Truce."

Next up is burpees again. God, does this hell never end? Taehyun and Beomgyu keeping in rhythm with each other.

"This is too easy." The brunette huffs as he jumps up.

"Then why are you going slower than me?"

"Why are you going slower than _me_?" Beomgyu bickers back.

Soobin can sense an odd friendship forming between them, they both huff and eye roll but something playful tinging it all.

His sense of admiration ends though, when it's his and _Hyuka's_ turn. Beomgyu and Taehyun ending conveniently just as Mr Min shows up.

_God_.

"Show me what you've got." The man says as him and Kai step onto the mats.

_Not_ _a_ _lot_.

"There's not much to show from them, Sir." Beomgyu sniggers.

Mr Min smiles back, _fucking suck up, fucking popular kids_ , "Believe me, I've taught Soobin long enough to already know."

"I'm still here, Sir."

He snorts, "I'm aware, Choi."

_Lovely_.

"Hurry it up then, Soobin and uh..." Mr Min trails off, "What's your name?"

"Huening Kai."

"Huening Kai." The teacher claps, "Great, show me what you got."

Once again, _not_ _a_ _lot_. Just about the only person that makes Soobin look better.

They start off easily jumping to the ground (his knees clicking as he goes), gets into full hands and feet mode before kicking back up, arms above his head before diving for the floor again (once again, _his_ _knees_ _clicking)_.

He's losing oxygen by the second.

"Soobin my grandmother could do better than that."

_Don't roll your eyes. Don't roll your eyes._

"Pick up the pace, Kai."

He hears the boy grunt beside him. Soobin feels a bit gleeful at the other struggling too.

They do this another few times before Mr Min deems them unworthy to keep watching.

"Alright, I've had enough." He says. "I'm going to the next group. Keep doing what your doing. Whatever that was."

"Yes, Sir." They chorus.

They spend the rest of the lesson calling each other names and cheating. Slowly, Soobin starts to smile more and more.

_Maybe there's more to life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how i feel about this one. i wrote it a couple months ago n i've read through it like a billion times but idk it's hard to imagine the quality of it when i'm constantly having to read it  
> saying that, i think i like the next chapter- it's one i wrote more recently so maybe that's why jsjsjs it also has much better pacing, this chapter was pretty much just one vvvv long scene o.O
> 
> thank you to anyone reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> i've been waiting for m o n t h s to write this story, i finally figured this would be a good push in the right direction in acc getting me motivated to write it. i'll probs update around once a month but i'm thinking format wise, these will be long chapters- around 7,000 words, maybe? and around four/five chapters?
> 
> in terms of triggers, any warnings are in the tags but if i include smth diff, i'll tw the beginning of that chapter! this will be a heavy read at times but i think wherever love is involved, there is a lightness. 
> 
> title is from ed sheeran's give me love!! give it a listen <3


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